The Power of Forgiveness




"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son,
 that whosoever believeth in Him should not perish,
 but have everlasting life"
John 3:16


In Bulgarian culture today is the day of Forgiveness (Proshka). As per tradition younger generatons go to the house of the elders for a meal and they each ask of each other's forgiveness for things they said or did that might have hurt each other.

Is it good to turn the other cheek?

Forgiveness is a central concept in Chrisitianity and is related mostly (the way I see it) to God's neverending love for His creations. How vast must His love be to sacrifice His only child to help us atone for our sins? To forgive, you must also have a piece of that love - love for your kin or neighbour, love for the other specks of what we call humanity.

Another Chrisitian concept which I feel is closely related to that is the premise "turn the other cheek". The Bible has a lot of ideas and parables which should not be construed literally but carefully considered in light of our own experience of the world and those around us. The way I understand the above is do not respond to evil with evil; when insulted, do not hurry to insult back. It means swallow your ego and move on. It does not necessarily mean humiliate yourself and stay for some more. We should always preserve our human dignity.

But now back to forgivenes in our practical human world. When someone repents for the way they have treated you and comes to you to ask for forgiveness, you can give that. It only makes sense if the receiver shows real remorse and a will to improve. That way forgiveness has a building of character function and is a mechanism to help the person improve. But then there is the question - what if they only improve in the way they treat you and not others? How good is that? Does it really help or is it just giving them a second chance in your person-to-person bubble but not helping them improve in a more sustainable way? I do believe it can still be good because it will most probably lead to reflection and the realisation that the act of forgiveness is purfying and they might consider practising it themselves in future - like passing the baton kind of thing.

Then there is the situaton when you are willing to forgive a wrongdoing simply becuase you want to relieve yourself of its burden. I used to believe you should tell the person they hurt you and you forgave them, so you give them a chance to apologise and improve or "clear their karma" as they say in some other faiths. After having some bitter experience with that, I now do believe that you can forgive them, but just move on. This means you have grown out of your ego and grown spiritually due to the ability to give forgiveness even when not asked for it.

Sometimes you have to be ruthless to save your soul

I would now like to move on the the other side of the coin. As mentioned ealier, being compassionate does not mean we have to go to the extreme of self-negation for the sake of others. The act of forgivenss should be purifying and empowering but also a corrective mechanism. If you are too meek and give forgiveness to someone who maintains an unacceptable behaviour, then it is nothing less than encouragement. They should be openly told you do not approve of that and hence not being excused (forgiven). 

My most recent example is with someone who was (unintentioanlly) intruding my private space on social media and when told (TWICE!) to observe certain boundaries, they took a note to only gradually relapse into their previous behaviour, because they like it and because they do not have enough awareness of the impact of their behaviour on others. That is rather immature I thought - the desire for self-gratifiation at the expense of the comfort of others is a situation I am all too familiar with, too. I am now stuck between my compassion and consideration for the feelings of the person, on the one hand, and my need to protect my boundaries more firmly, on the other. If another person is blatantly encoaching on your personal space, especally after being asked not to, then there is no place for turning the other cheek. I do not mean to say you have to be rude, but direct and open even if it hurts them. That is the right way to prevent frustrationf for self and subsequent deeper hurt for the other.

There is also the situation when people have been deliberately evil towards you with the clear intent to hurt you. Then forgiveness can only be given in your heart before moving on. Forgiveness here has the function of releasing the poison of holding a grudge. Forgive but not let them back in your life is the way I see it.

How deep is your love?

In a broader sense, forgiveness is an expression of our love for our brother and the desire to live in peace with our fellow humans. The bigger the ego, the lesser the propoensity to grant forgiveness in my own experience. Also, the capacity to forgive grows with age and perhaps the realisation that it is the spiritual that matters in life and the material is just a temporary comfort. Some people are more focussed on delving into the inner world than others, but fogiveness is a universal concept, I believe, present in all cultures. It's a noble act of letting the good conquer the evil in your heart if not helping the other conquer their own demons. 

Forgiveness is power fuelled by love.

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